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“Hello, Daytona Speedway Security office.”
“Hey, this is Brian France. I have your boss Joey Chitwood on the line too.”
“Yes sirs, how can I help you?”
“Listen, we need you to clean the confederate flags out of the infield for this weekends races. The ad people in New York do not want to tick off the advertisers by having them see a bunch of rednecks acting like klan members.”
“Huh?”
“Pay attention. Get the damn rebel flags out of there. This isn’t 1995 anymore, and we are not going to let the unwashed hicks at the tracks interfere with our global marketing initiatives. Do you know what it takes to land ad money from Apple? Maybe from Starbucks? Shit, if we had a few of our top guys come out and marry each other then we may have a chance. Otherwise we are stuck with auto parts and beer.”
“But don‘t our customers buy auto parts and beer?”
“Who cares? We have shareholders to report to, and they demand a higher return then can ever be provided by ticket buying rednecks. The focus is all about marketing. Besides, they will forget about their damn flags, especially when they see what is coming next.”
“But the fans want racing and competition. It is a sport, not a broadway show.”
“Who the hell cares? We have been pushing the ‘Drive for Diversity’ crap for 10 years, and sooner or later it will turn out an actual superstar; imagine: an innercity, cross-dressing, cross-eyed ethnic driver! Oh wait, we will want the crosses out of the sport too. Joey, take a memo, we need to drop that whole invocation thing. Do we know any muslim imams? That would be inclusive…..”
“But what if the ethnic can’t drive?”
“HELLOOO!! Restrictor plate races; we control the plates, remember? Shit, no wonder you drive a damn golf cart for a living; get an MBA or something.”
“So back to the flags…..you want me to round up the flags that we have welcomed for the last 50 years, right? The flags that symbolize our southern heritage and the southern roots of our sport? Those flags?”
“Yeah, of course. We cannot tolerate anything that is offensive to the New Yorkers.”
“But what about those gay rainbow flags, do you want them cleared out too? What about Mexican flags, or maybe Isis?”
“You dumb shit! Don’t you realize that Univision is taking over all the broadcasts starting in 2016? Spanish only! Those Mexicans breed like bugs, meanwhile the US fans are getting older and older. And we are replacing the military fly-overs with an all-male dance review; you know, showtunes and shit. New York demands it. Don’t joke about Isis, we have pressure from the white house to get them on board too. Imagine: Jamie Little doing pit road reports in a burka!”
“Gee whiz, I don’t think the fans are going to want to give up their confederate flags. They are fun-loving, independent Americans who work for a living and follow the rules. Are you sure we are focusing on the right problem? What if the fans stop coming? What will we do with the track, make it a FEMA camp?”
“Bingo! They are a bunch of right-wing extremists, they cling to their God, their guns and their flags. One wrong move and the FBI will round up the whole bunch.”
“Know what Mr. France? This explains everything. Our racing sux, attendance is down, the support divisions are dying, and yet you chose to attack our most loyal fans in a knee-jerk, political swing to the left. Here is a plan for you; get the hell out of racing before you kill it off. You should be Michele Obama’s hairdresser! Maybe you can get a guest spot on ‘The View’?”
“Joey, get me Hilary on the phone, she needs a VP.”
“Hey, this is Brian France. I have your boss Joey Chitwood on the line too.”
“Yes sirs, how can I help you?”
“Listen, we need you to clean the confederate flags out of the infield for this weekends races. The ad people in New York do not want to tick off the advertisers by having them see a bunch of rednecks acting like klan members.”
“Huh?”
“Pay attention. Get the damn rebel flags out of there. This isn’t 1995 anymore, and we are not going to let the unwashed hicks at the tracks interfere with our global marketing initiatives. Do you know what it takes to land ad money from Apple? Maybe from Starbucks? Shit, if we had a few of our top guys come out and marry each other then we may have a chance. Otherwise we are stuck with auto parts and beer.”
“But don‘t our customers buy auto parts and beer?”
“Who cares? We have shareholders to report to, and they demand a higher return then can ever be provided by ticket buying rednecks. The focus is all about marketing. Besides, they will forget about their damn flags, especially when they see what is coming next.”
“But the fans want racing and competition. It is a sport, not a broadway show.”
“Who the hell cares? We have been pushing the ‘Drive for Diversity’ crap for 10 years, and sooner or later it will turn out an actual superstar; imagine: an innercity, cross-dressing, cross-eyed ethnic driver! Oh wait, we will want the crosses out of the sport too. Joey, take a memo, we need to drop that whole invocation thing. Do we know any muslim imams? That would be inclusive…..”
“But what if the ethnic can’t drive?”
“HELLOOO!! Restrictor plate races; we control the plates, remember? Shit, no wonder you drive a damn golf cart for a living; get an MBA or something.”
“So back to the flags…..you want me to round up the flags that we have welcomed for the last 50 years, right? The flags that symbolize our southern heritage and the southern roots of our sport? Those flags?”
“Yeah, of course. We cannot tolerate anything that is offensive to the New Yorkers.”
“But what about those gay rainbow flags, do you want them cleared out too? What about Mexican flags, or maybe Isis?”
“You dumb shit! Don’t you realize that Univision is taking over all the broadcasts starting in 2016? Spanish only! Those Mexicans breed like bugs, meanwhile the US fans are getting older and older. And we are replacing the military fly-overs with an all-male dance review; you know, showtunes and shit. New York demands it. Don’t joke about Isis, we have pressure from the white house to get them on board too. Imagine: Jamie Little doing pit road reports in a burka!”
“Gee whiz, I don’t think the fans are going to want to give up their confederate flags. They are fun-loving, independent Americans who work for a living and follow the rules. Are you sure we are focusing on the right problem? What if the fans stop coming? What will we do with the track, make it a FEMA camp?”
“Bingo! They are a bunch of right-wing extremists, they cling to their God, their guns and their flags. One wrong move and the FBI will round up the whole bunch.”
“Know what Mr. France? This explains everything. Our racing sux, attendance is down, the support divisions are dying, and yet you chose to attack our most loyal fans in a knee-jerk, political swing to the left. Here is a plan for you; get the hell out of racing before you kill it off. You should be Michele Obama’s hairdresser! Maybe you can get a guest spot on ‘The View’?”
“Joey, get me Hilary on the phone, she needs a VP.”
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